


degradati9n 9f the mind

by starstriker162



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Dreambubbles, Gen, Kankri is his own warning, Slight horror, all of the alpha trolls are mentioned though, lots of headcanons in here, more detailed warnings in the end notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 07:30:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17421674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstriker162/pseuds/starstriker162
Summary: The good news is that Meenah made sure they weren't all destroyed by the Scratch. The bad news is that the Dreambubbles have some unfortunate long term effects.Or, the Alpha Trolls weren't always Like That™.





	degradati9n 9f the mind

**Author's Note:**

> If you're worried about the contents of this fic, you may want to scroll down to see a better description of what's up.

Night 2158: Entry 431

I menti9ned at the 6eginning 9f this j9urnal that its g9al w9uld 6e t9 chr9nicle 9ur sessi9n. I wished t9 rec9rd every detail, lest it 6e f9rg9tten, and perhaps find a way t9 pass 9n the kn9wledge t9 an9ther sessi9n 9nce we had w9n. Unf9rtunately, we did n9t win, and in 9ur current situati9n there is n9 way t9 get rid 9f this, s9 I may as well c9ntinue t9 write in it.

Reader, y9u may n9tice that as 9pp9sed t9 the regular five night gaps 6etween entries there is instead a f9ur night 9ne. My ap9l9gies f9r this 6reak in schedule, 6ut I figured that this m9nument9us event deserved an independent entry: 9ur sessi9n has, effectively, ended. I will ela69rate: we did n9t succeed in creating 9ur new universe in this classic meth9d. Rather, as I menti9ned may happen in the previ9us entry, Damara successfully c9mpleted the Scratch. Meenah, h9wever, killed us all via 69m6 just 6ef9re the Scratch had run its c9urse, in 9rder t9 transp9rt us t9 the Dream6u66les. While perhaps 9ne 9f the m9st c9lla69rative she’s 6een all sessi9n (please f9rgive my negativity, reader), I, al9ng with s9me 9f the 9thers, have 9ur fears a69ut the ramificati9ns 9f such an acti9n. I will n9t v9ice them at this time, lest they turn 9ut t9 6e untrue, 6ut I shall c9ntinue this j9urnal t9 chart the effects 9f the Dream6u66les. H9pefully, s9me g99d can c9me 9f it.

That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2163: Entry 432

Hell9 again, reader. We’re 6ack t9 9ur regulary scheduled update. First, a m9ment 9f immaturity: I am rather dissap9inted in myself that I did n9t decide t9 write this t9m9rr9w night, as that w9uld mean that the entry after this 9ne w9uld land 9n a 69. I have gr9wn accust9med t9 that pattern as the sweeps passed, and I am sad t9 let it g9. Still, I w9uld rather 6reak schedule 9nce than 6reak it twice. Such c9nsistancy is essential t9 a this seer’s sanity. 

Speaking 9f sanity, I fear that the Dream6u66le’s effects have already 6egun t9 take h9ld. I sp9ke with Aranea (I have n9t menti9ned her in a while. If y9u d9 n9t recall her, she is 9ur sessi9n’s Sylph 9f Light, and I 6elieve she may als9 keep a j9urnal similar t9 mine) 9n this and we agree: sl9wly, the Dream6u66les are erasing 6its 9f 9ur pers9nalites. 

We have already seen s9me 9f this in 9ur teammates (min9r incidents, really), 6ut we haven’t menti9ned it f9r a few reas9ns: firstly, kn9wing w9uld 9nly cause them m9re distress. Since there seems t9 6e n9 way 9ut, this w9rry w9uld 9nly pr9ve t9 6e a cruelty t9 them. There w9uld 6e n9 sense in it, essentially. It w9uld especially c9ncern Meenah, wh9 was the instigat9r 9f this. Sec9ndly, we 6elieve that this distress c9uld make them c9mplacent. There are ways, we 6elieve, t9 halt this degradati9n 9f the mind–namely, making sure it stays active. I menti9ned that having Latula, a Knight 9f Mind and hence 9ur key pr9tect9r in this event, c9uld help with this, th9ugh Aranea didn’t seem as enthusiastic a69ut the c9ncept as I did. While this is a matter 9f my 9pini9n, I 6elieve that Aranea may 6e underestimating her–ever since she went G9d Tier, she tends t9 d9 that t9 all 9f us.

Reader, y9u may 6e w9ndering why we did n9t include Damara in these talks. As a Witch 9f Time, it is true that her persepctive 9n this w9uld 6e invalua6le, 6ut neither 9f us c9uld track her d9wn. Acc9rding t9 Rufi9h, she has 6ec9me s9mething 9f a recluse recently. This is unf9rtunate news: Aranea and I 6elieve that is9lating 9neself will accelerate the pr9cess that the Dream6u66le puts in m9ti9n.  
Despite the distur6ing news, there is a 6it 9f h9pe. It seems that the Scratch was successful in creating a new w9rld, as we just watched Meenah’s alternate self 6e delivered t9 early Alternia (as we have taken t9 calling it. It may have an9ther name. If y9u are, 6y chance, a mem6er 9f this new s9ciety, please kn9w that we have n9 intent t9 f9rce this name up9n y9u, and h9pe y9u d9 n9t take 9ffense t9 such a name), meaning that a S6ur6 sessi9n is under way in the future. With9ut Damara, we cann9t 6e entirely sure, 6ut that is 9ur current understanding 9f the game’s w9rkings. Meenah has gr9wn quite attatched t9 her little alternate, in any case. The new w9rld is certainly much harsher than 6ef9rus already–6ut it was meant t9 6e, s9 all is well.

That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2168: Entry 433

The g99d news is that I managed t9 talk t9 Damara. The 6ad news is that she had n9thing useful t9 say.

First, a rep9rt 9n my teammates’ statuses: Rufi9h seems unaffected, f9r the m9st part (perhaps in part t9 his 6reath aspect, which “frees” him fr9m this). It’s hard t9 tell with Mituna: Aranea, wh9 I have still 6een talking with, says that he has fewer m9ments 9f clarity n9wadays, and I 6elieve her in this. Meulin has st9pped initiating c9nversati9ns with me, 6ut we haven’t talked with much frequency in at least a sweep anyways, s9 that c9uld 6e a natural devel9pment. P9rrim has me c9ncerned–we have always st99d 9n strange gr9und, and I’ve never 6een sure whether we’re flirting pitch 9r pale. Lately, it seems t9 6e 9verwhelmingly the latter, 6ut again that c9uld simply 6e the circumstances. Latula I have always had tr9u6le analyzing, 6ut 69th Aranea and I 6elieve that she has used “rad” termin9l9gy slightly m9re. Aranea has n9t rep9rted any changes in herself, which is enc9uraging. As a Sylph, it sh9uld 6e harder f9r the Dream6u66les t9 9verwrite her. H9russ is, as usual, an enigma wrapped inside a distressing am9unt 9f h9rse metaph9rs (perhaps the V9id aspect has s9mething t9 d9 with his lack 9f change? Speculati9n 9n the part 9f this auth9r), and Kurl9z has 6een relatively a6sent, s9 I cann9t c9nfirm any changes there. Cr9nus is an9ther matter: s9me 9f his flirting, which we as a gr9up have gr9wn accust9med t9, is m9re aggressive n9w. This is pr96a6ly the m9st unf9rtunately change, as it means less and less pe9ple are spending time with him. I f9rce myself t9, t9 try and sl9w the effects, 6ut I’m gr9wing weary 9f it.

Wait, n9. I can’t 6elieve I just wr9te that. Cr9nus is my friend, we’ve kn9wn each 9ther f9r sweeps. Cr9nus, if y9u’re reading this f9r s9me reas9n, I didn’t mean that.

I think I need t9 take a 6reak. I’ll talk a69ut my visit with Damara next entry.

That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2173: Entry 434

6ef9re I get int9 the matters 9f this entry, I must first c9mplete my previ9us entry. I realize that I did n9t menti9n Meenah’s state: she is well. I 6elieve that her interest in the Scratched sessi9n may 6e helping with that, h9wever c9ncerning that interest may 6e. My visit with Damara was als9 menti9ned previ9usly: while I managed t9 talk t9 her, she didn’t seem t9 want t9 talk a69ut my c9ncerns. She did 6elieve me, th9ugh, and we caught up a little. N9thing 9f much imp9rtance happened. I did n9tice that I was having a harder time understanding her East 6ef9ran, h9wever: this is likely 6ecause I’m 9ut 9f practice, since Damara and I haven’t actually talked since 6ef9re 9ur sessi9n ended. 

Aranea and I have n9t talked in a few nights. She’s 6een spending s9me time with the pe9ple she was cl9sest t9 in the sessi9n, saying that she wants t9 help them as much as p9ssi6le. While I am frustrated that she d9es n9t have a 6r9ader sc9pe, I cann9t 6egrudge her pessimism. In truth, I am starting t9 gr9w c9ncerned a69ut 9ur future as well. N9t much happened this secti9n, asides fr9m that.  
That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2178: Entry 435

I’ll get the g99d news 9ut 9f the way: Damara seems t9 have c9me 9ut 9f hiding. As usual, she isn’t very chatty, 6ut she is starting t9 talk t9 pe9ple again. I’m having s9me tr9u6le understanding her, f9r s9me reas9n. My East 6ef9ran must 6e even w9rse than I th9ught it had g9tten.

That, unf9rtunately, is pretty much it f9r the g99d news. Aranea and I talked again last night, and it seem that already s9me 9f 9ur teammates have l9st s9me 9f their mem9ries. Namely, Meulin and Cr9nus: the f9rmer, up9n inquiry, had n9 mem9ry 9f helping with the early secti9ns 9f my j9urnals. This w9uldn’t 6e s9 w9rrying if n9t f9r the fact that just three entries ag9 she had asked me if I still had it, and remarked that she remem6ered f9ndly the early perigees where we w9uld write them t9gether 9ver Tr9llian (if y9u have read this entire thing, n9t 9nly d9 I c9mmend y9u, f9r y9u had t9 put up with my rather pr96lematic early self, 6ut y9u als9 sh9uld remem6er that many 9f the entries were partially written in 9live where I w9uld qu9te Meulin). This was the last time we talked, s9 it was quite the unpleasant surprise when she said she had n9 clue what I was g9ing 9n a69ut. 9verall that was an incredi6ly upsetting experience. Cr9nus als9 seems t9 have tr9u6le remem6ering things that happened pre-game: he menti9ned he had little clue h9w he had first c9me int9 c9ntact with many 9f us (n9t quite in th9se w9rds, 6ut that was the general gist 9f it). Needless t9 say, this c9ncerns 69th 9f us (Aranea and I, that is). 

We’ve c9me t9 the determinati9n that while we can delay, inevita6ly we t99 will succum6 t9 succum6 t9 the effects 9f the Dream6u66les. Aranea hyp9thesizes that I will 6e 9ne 9f the last pe9ple t9 d9 s9, 6ut she has n9 special immunity. Already, she says she finds herself caring less and less a69ut her future. Such flippancy t9wards her allies and friends scares her, I can tell, 6ut there’s n9thing t9 6e d9ne. At least she still has Meenah–that 69nd isn’t fading any time s99n.

That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2188: Entry 437

It’s getting w9rse. I can’t pretend it isn’t anym9re. I think at this p9int even I’ve 6een affected a little. 

Cr9nus, at least the pers9n he was during the game, is alm9st c9mpletely g9ne. Same thing with Rufi9h (apparently 6reath didn’t pr9tect him f9r l9ng), Mituna (what was left, anyways), Meulin, P9rrim, Latula, H9russ, and Kurl9z. Meenah’s hanging 9n f9r a 6it l9nger m9stly 6ecause Aranea’s refusing t9 give up 9n her, and Damara seems t9 hardly care at all. 9r at least, I think she d9esn’t care. I can 6arely understand her these days–I sh9uld have realized that I wasn’t just 9ut 9f practice with East 6ef9ran, it was sl9wly getting erased. Each time I’ve tried t9 restudy it the kn9wledge slips right 9ut 9f my head.

These last ten nights have 6een a nightmare. The fading 9f mem9ries, 9f pers9nalities 9nly accelerated after my last entry, partially due t9 Aranea’s general inc9mpetence and Damara’s a6s9lute lack 9f c9ncern. And 96vi9usly n9 9ne else is helping, and they’re all m9re 96n9xi9us than usual. If P9rrim tries t9 pap me 9ne m9re time, I’m finally g9ing t9 6urn this thing I’m wearing. In fr9nt 9f her, prefera6ly. 

Y9u kn9w what the w9rst part is? I d9n’t kn9w if that’s me talking 9r n9t. There’s s9 much I can’t remem6er, even th9ugh I kn9w I sh9uld 6e. It’s t9rtur9us: I l99k thr9ugh this j9urnal, the 9ne I’ve 6een writing f9r sweeps, and I d9n’t rec9gnize the pers9n writing. I skipped an entry, just 6ecause I c9uldn’t 6are t9 l99k at this. S9metimes I have t9 read the same sentence a few times just t9 let it sink in, 6ecause my thinkpan d9esn’t want me t9 kn9w what it says. I kn9w that I didn’t always feel this way a69ut my teammates, 6ut I can’t remem6er h9w my 9pini9ns changed. And they seem t9 put up with me less, t99: surely, I c9uldn’t have let f9rget everything I t9ld them, s9 either they’re purp9sefully ign9ring my less9ns 9r the Dream6u66les are 9verwriting my teachings t99. If 9nly they w9uld listen, then I might actually 6e a6le t9 prevent the Dream6u66les fr9m making them int9 these par9dies 9f themselves.

There’s s9 much that they’re d9ing wr9ng, and while I kn9w that I’m fading just as they are, I’m still the m9st sta6le. I have t9 6e. If I fade c9mpletely, then wh9’s g9ing t9 guide them? That’s a Seer’s j96: I cann9t quit this late in the game. 

That is all f9r t9night.

 

Night 2193: Entry 438

I’ve realized that I may have made a slight err9r. The c9ntents 9f this j9urnal c9uld 6e extremely triggering t9 s9me pe9ple, s9 I’ve decided that this will likely 6e the last entry. 6esides, I d9n’t really understand why I wr9te this: it has n9 clear purp9se anyways. Many 9f the entries express pr96lematic ideas, and are a6s9lutely 9verriden with the 6iases 9f my past self. As such, I will 6e retiring this j9urnal after this entry. 

I already said that. 9h well.

I d9n’t quite kn9w what t9 put in my final update. What is there t9 menti9n, in these 6u66les? N9 matter h9w hard I try, every9ne seems t9 stay static. I can’t get them t9 change; I d9n’t think I’ve ever 6een a6le t9. 

Damara’s 6een l99king at me strangely recently. I tried asking her why, 6ut she just resp9nded in that language 9f hers. Then I tried telling her that she really sh9uldn’t d9 that, 6ecause it c9uld 6e upsetting t9 pe9ple that didn’t understand her, as it w9uld p9int 9ut their lack 9f kn9wledge and 6esides why w9uldn’t she just want t9 speak like the rest 9f us, 6ut she walked away as I was talking. Pe9ple have 6een d9ing that m9re and m9re recently. I’ve had t9 try and catch them 9ff guard t9 get anything thr9ugh their heads.

That is all.

**Author's Note:**

> The Dreambubbles cause people to both lose parts of their personalities and their memories. Kankri starts out pretty ok and eventually becomes to person we see in canon. Damara's there too and Kankri complains to his diary that he doesn't like that she speaks another language. Kankri uses the words "trigger" and "problematic" the same way he does in canon. That's all I can think of.


End file.
